Today was less awesome than yesterday.
So we have an old kind of junky car, which is partially our fault, when stuff breaks on it we usually don't have the money to fix it. So now we have a little money and we have a LOT of fixing to do, enough fixing where we asked ourselves if it was worth it. We decided to try to get a new car, went in for a car loan, I was surprised to hear that each of us have a better than average credit score (not super great, but better than average), Skulls is 2 points higher than mine *shakes fist* damn him. Anyway, after carefully considering our budget and income and expenses we decided that we could afford a small loan that would have a payment of $100 a month or less (which placed us at about a $4000 loan). Apparently the bank does not feel these way, so it didn't happen.
At least I finally got around to making a budget (which is boring and gave me a headache even though I already more or less keep to the budget) AND I know my credit score now, yay!
Now we have to get the car fixed....which kind of sucks, but that is life and all you can do is keep moving forward.
Now the subject of money is weighing heavily on my mind. I am pretty good with money and some how, some way I always make it work each month but it seems like 2 steps forward, 1 step back, each time we make a little more money we have some expense we have been sitting on that it goes towards (things like improving the computer so that it can run the programs that Skull needs for work, fixing the car, someone gets sick). My dreams for life have simplified, all I want is a little home, with a nice yard, a decent car and enough money to go on little trips to the coast or whatever a few times a year (well and to do that debt free and get out from under all the student loans blargh). I feel like we are just...missing something that everyone else knows about, that we are doing some little thing wrong and it is just keeping us down but I don't know what it is, that any little positive shift would set us on the way towards what we want. I guess that is what I have to keep working towards.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Dance party with you
Random title, just cause I can.
Trying to write in this thing more often, I feel it is probably good to talk.
There was just a eerily velociraptor like cry from my bedroom, I am pretty certain it was my child. She might be becoming a dinosaur, I don't think she would actually mind if that happened.
Speaking of Niko and dinosaurs (and those subjects are never very far removed) she had her second day of summer camp at OMSI today, of course it is about dinosaurs. They made finger puppets and discussed if dinos had feathers or not. She made the teacher a card yesterday that was covered in dinosaur stamps and said "I love you" because Niko either loves you or doesn't know you exist. I was probably like that once. But now I am probably irritated with you, because people are just so darn irritating. I might love you anyway but I am not promising anything because this is the internet and I might not even know you....creeper.
Apparently cats can hear those sonic bug things. We found one in the closet and Skull plugged it in because, hey why not? It happened to be plugged in above one of the cat's dishes and when Nyla went to eat she got within a few feet of it then backed away like there was a snake on the wall (although truth be told if there was a snake on the wall she would probably try to eat it...), I might remember this later when I want to keep her out of things...
What did I do today?
I got free walla walla onion rings from Burgerville (you know you are jealous) cause they give you $5 on your card for your birthday, I also got a free raspberry milkshake, but I gave that to Skull cause I am super nice. I went to World Market to look at the things I would buy if I had more money (apparently coffee mugs and couches, those are my priorities in life. I did also look at fancy flavored teas). I sat at a Starbucks and drank coffee and talked to Skull for like...20 or 30 minutes without being interrupted because Niko was at camp. Then I read a little, napped a little and cleaned out our indoor storage area. Got rid of a few things and consolidated a lot of things so that it is functional and you can access everything with reasonable ease. I even got some laundry done (and did handwashing! before there was a huge pile of it!!). I think tomorrow I shall try to get some of the mending that has built up out of the way.
Well that is all for now, I think I will get some more iced tea and go back to reading.
Reading American Gods (by Neil Gaiman, but if you are friends with me you already knew that) for the second time, no particular reason, just seemed like the best book on the shelf Sunday. I am grasping it better this time. Am I the only one who has to read books more than once to really appreciate them?? I will enjoy a book the first time, but I don't remember the little details (Skull does, which drives me crazy, except when I am reading a series and I can use him as a reference guide), the second time I appreciate the book much more. I like to get books to the point where I can pick them up and open to a random page and know exactly what has happened and what will happen.
Trying to write in this thing more often, I feel it is probably good to talk.
There was just a eerily velociraptor like cry from my bedroom, I am pretty certain it was my child. She might be becoming a dinosaur, I don't think she would actually mind if that happened.
Speaking of Niko and dinosaurs (and those subjects are never very far removed) she had her second day of summer camp at OMSI today, of course it is about dinosaurs. They made finger puppets and discussed if dinos had feathers or not. She made the teacher a card yesterday that was covered in dinosaur stamps and said "I love you" because Niko either loves you or doesn't know you exist. I was probably like that once. But now I am probably irritated with you, because people are just so darn irritating. I might love you anyway but I am not promising anything because this is the internet and I might not even know you....creeper.
Apparently cats can hear those sonic bug things. We found one in the closet and Skull plugged it in because, hey why not? It happened to be plugged in above one of the cat's dishes and when Nyla went to eat she got within a few feet of it then backed away like there was a snake on the wall (although truth be told if there was a snake on the wall she would probably try to eat it...), I might remember this later when I want to keep her out of things...
What did I do today?
I got free walla walla onion rings from Burgerville (you know you are jealous) cause they give you $5 on your card for your birthday, I also got a free raspberry milkshake, but I gave that to Skull cause I am super nice. I went to World Market to look at the things I would buy if I had more money (apparently coffee mugs and couches, those are my priorities in life. I did also look at fancy flavored teas). I sat at a Starbucks and drank coffee and talked to Skull for like...20 or 30 minutes without being interrupted because Niko was at camp. Then I read a little, napped a little and cleaned out our indoor storage area. Got rid of a few things and consolidated a lot of things so that it is functional and you can access everything with reasonable ease. I even got some laundry done (and did handwashing! before there was a huge pile of it!!). I think tomorrow I shall try to get some of the mending that has built up out of the way.
Well that is all for now, I think I will get some more iced tea and go back to reading.
Reading American Gods (by Neil Gaiman, but if you are friends with me you already knew that) for the second time, no particular reason, just seemed like the best book on the shelf Sunday. I am grasping it better this time. Am I the only one who has to read books more than once to really appreciate them?? I will enjoy a book the first time, but I don't remember the little details (Skull does, which drives me crazy, except when I am reading a series and I can use him as a reference guide), the second time I appreciate the book much more. I like to get books to the point where I can pick them up and open to a random page and know exactly what has happened and what will happen.
Sunday, July 21, 2013
Off my chest, out of my head?
I have been feeling a bit trapped lately. No one really to talk to. Everyone has their own problems so I don't want to burden them with mine, or I don't know them that well or it just seems inappropriate. Facebook posts about how profoundly sad I feel for no reason? Come on I am not 15.
Blog posts though...blog posts I think are ok (geesh, where is my deadjournal when I need it?)
I wish loving myself was half as easy as loving my daughter.
I wish I knew how to be feminine without feeling like I am playing a character. I feel silly in makeup, I can't wear heels to save my life I am very uncomfortable with my body and I have no idea what being sexy is like. Why does it come so naturally to others?
I wish I remembered what being happy for more than 5 minutes was like. I guess that is my strongly suspected but not actually diagnosed depression talking because I don't really have anything going on in my life that makes me UNHAPPY (frustrated, yes but it's not the same) but I find it really difficult to feel happy and it use to be so easy. I feel caged in now. I feel like some body else.
I wish my brain would stop judging me for other people
I wish my brain would stop reliving stupid slightly embarrassing stuff that happened when I was like 6....seriously, brain? You suck. I was a kid, misunderstandings happens, why do you need to keep bringing it up?
I wish I was doing something that mattered.
I wish I could motivate myself to do something other than read books and watch another episode of something on Netflix.
Where has my fire gone? When did I forget how to dance on my own?
One of my favorite movie moments is Let me be your wings from Thumbelina. I wish life was more like that.
I wish I had just one, real confidante (other than my husband because frankly, while I love him and trust him there are somethings that I want to talk to someone else about because he is in so many ways too close to me)
I wish I knew what happened to my best friends, I realized a few days after my birthday that the girls that I spent all of high school with? None of them even bothered to wish me a happy birthday, that hurt more than I expected it to.
I wish I had someone that motivated me to keep thinking, moving forward, be more intelligent, I have such surface conversations now that I think I feel the rust on my brain when I do start getting into deeper conversations with people and I feel slow and dull in my responses.
I am dissatisfied with just being comfortable. Being lazy.
Someone tell me how to break out of being comfortable? I don't know where to start, but I feel as though I am drowning in the dullness of my life.
Blog posts though...blog posts I think are ok (geesh, where is my deadjournal when I need it?)
I wish loving myself was half as easy as loving my daughter.
I wish I knew how to be feminine without feeling like I am playing a character. I feel silly in makeup, I can't wear heels to save my life I am very uncomfortable with my body and I have no idea what being sexy is like. Why does it come so naturally to others?
I wish I remembered what being happy for more than 5 minutes was like. I guess that is my strongly suspected but not actually diagnosed depression talking because I don't really have anything going on in my life that makes me UNHAPPY (frustrated, yes but it's not the same) but I find it really difficult to feel happy and it use to be so easy. I feel caged in now. I feel like some body else.
I wish my brain would stop judging me for other people
I wish my brain would stop reliving stupid slightly embarrassing stuff that happened when I was like 6....seriously, brain? You suck. I was a kid, misunderstandings happens, why do you need to keep bringing it up?
I wish I was doing something that mattered.
I wish I could motivate myself to do something other than read books and watch another episode of something on Netflix.
Where has my fire gone? When did I forget how to dance on my own?
One of my favorite movie moments is Let me be your wings from Thumbelina. I wish life was more like that.
I wish I had just one, real confidante (other than my husband because frankly, while I love him and trust him there are somethings that I want to talk to someone else about because he is in so many ways too close to me)
I wish I knew what happened to my best friends, I realized a few days after my birthday that the girls that I spent all of high school with? None of them even bothered to wish me a happy birthday, that hurt more than I expected it to.
I wish I had someone that motivated me to keep thinking, moving forward, be more intelligent, I have such surface conversations now that I think I feel the rust on my brain when I do start getting into deeper conversations with people and I feel slow and dull in my responses.
I am dissatisfied with just being comfortable. Being lazy.
Someone tell me how to break out of being comfortable? I don't know where to start, but I feel as though I am drowning in the dullness of my life.
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