I have been feeling a bit trapped lately. No one really to talk to. Everyone has their own problems so I don't want to burden them with mine, or I don't know them that well or it just seems inappropriate. Facebook posts about how profoundly sad I feel for no reason? Come on I am not 15.
Blog posts though...blog posts I think are ok (geesh, where is my deadjournal when I need it?)
I wish loving myself was half as easy as loving my daughter.
I wish I knew how to be feminine without feeling like I am playing a character. I feel silly in makeup, I can't wear heels to save my life I am very uncomfortable with my body and I have no idea what being sexy is like. Why does it come so naturally to others?
I wish I remembered what being happy for more than 5 minutes was like. I guess that is my strongly suspected but not actually diagnosed depression talking because I don't really have anything going on in my life that makes me UNHAPPY (frustrated, yes but it's not the same) but I find it really difficult to feel happy and it use to be so easy. I feel caged in now. I feel like some body else.
I wish my brain would stop judging me for other people
I wish my brain would stop reliving stupid slightly embarrassing stuff that happened when I was like 6....seriously, brain? You suck. I was a kid, misunderstandings happens, why do you need to keep bringing it up?
I wish I was doing something that mattered.
I wish I could motivate myself to do something other than read books and watch another episode of something on Netflix.
Where has my fire gone? When did I forget how to dance on my own?
One of my favorite movie moments is Let me be your wings from Thumbelina. I wish life was more like that.
I wish I had just one, real confidante (other than my husband because frankly, while I love him and trust him there are somethings that I want to talk to someone else about because he is in so many ways too close to me)
I wish I knew what happened to my best friends, I realized a few days after my birthday that the girls that I spent all of high school with? None of them even bothered to wish me a happy birthday, that hurt more than I expected it to.
I wish I had someone that motivated me to keep thinking, moving forward, be more intelligent, I have such surface conversations now that I think I feel the rust on my brain when I do start getting into deeper conversations with people and I feel slow and dull in my responses.
I am dissatisfied with just being comfortable. Being lazy.
Someone tell me how to break out of being comfortable? I don't know where to start, but I feel as though I am drowning in the dullness of my life.
If you need someone to talk to call your parents we will lesion. Challenge yourself make it a goal to learn one new word each day and use it. Study and teach Niko something new or take up a hobby, leather craft, beading of welding. Try taking one class or take dance with your daughter. Learn music not be like me and weight to long. Most important you have Niko let her teach you how to make believe, don't live make believe but every now and then pretend you are a fairy princess or Cinderella at the ball, it lets us leave our hum drum live behind for a wail
ReplyDeleteYou have summed up, in one post, everything I've felt since moving down here.
ReplyDeleteI lost that 'thing', too. The thing that makes waking up a point of exhilaration, and not another "is this day over yet?". Being too afraid to discuss what's wrong because of the shame you immediately feel when someone says that others have it worse.
I blog about the things I do because my life is literally so uninteresting, I have to force something to come out of it-- even if I have to mask the underlining mental concerns the deep isolation has affected onto my consciousness.
Pretending nothing is wrong makes me feel better... I feel aptly deluded to the fact I'm merely a boring and timid housewife.
And so... I know how you feel =S
Like the prettiest, best dressed boring and timid house wife ever than!
ReplyDelete"Being too afraid to discuss what's wrong because of the shame you immediately feel when someone says that others have it worse." This, exactly. I know others have it worse, that doesn't mean that I don't need to get all my problems out too.
Also, thanks dad. Beading actually sounds like something I might do. Not much skill involved and I already know how to do it. I've been reading to her some fairy tale like short stories I had as a kid, which she is enjoying and I'm enjoying telling her how they made me feel, think etc when I was younger.