I am so tired of short form sharing. It has its place, but more often than not, what I want is to write.
But do people want to read it? Who knows.
Maybe.
Probably not, but I don't think that is a reason not to.
I am listening to Alkaline Trio's Damnesia while cleaning the kitchen and for some reason it always has me feeling nostalgic. Thinking back on people I have loved...do love.
That is what I wanted to write about.
I don't think I have ever fallen out of love with anyone.
I had multiple relationships in my youth, and obviously they all ended eventually except one, but I still care a lot about all of those people. Sure, we found out that we weren't the right people for each other, at least for the long term, but I just don't understand why that seems to mean I am supposed to dislike them for forever. They are all still very important to me, it has just shifted to something more similar to the love I have for my friends.
It brings me to joy when I see they are doing well, and I ache at their troubles. I still smile at good memories and the songs that remind me of them (and they are all deeply associated with various songs). I learned many things from our time together, and sometimes from the reasons we parted ways.
I think the reason is that if I loved you, there was a reason and in every case we were friends first.
I don't make friends easily.
I am nice enough, I guess, and people generally seem to like me, but I have a very hard time trusting people and letting them in, in trusting them (this has only gotten worse as I have gotten older).
So if I have loved you, it was not a decision I made lightly. So naturally, letting go of that is also not a decision I make lightly.
This goes for friends as well. Even if we don't talk that much right now. I still love you.
I know that not everyone agrees with this sentiment, and I know many people have very good reasons for the way that they feel, and I would never take that away from you. Matters of the heart are always deeply personal and what is the right decision for one person is not the right decision for others.
On the subject of love, I think we often criticize people (but especially young women) for loving too easily. I blame this on the idea people hold that love is something special, something sacred, but at the same time, I agree with the idea that it is.
I think it is better explained that I blame this on the idea that some seem to hold that love is somehow in limited supply and that is what makes it special. Almost like we begin life with a reservoir of love, and you have to watch out you use it so you don't run out- so it is a precious thing, but a precious thing to be horded and doled out carefully, and each time you share it, some is taken away.
I think love is a precious thing, but one that is meant to be shared, and in sharing it, it grows and becomes all the more precious because now it has picked up pieces from those you shared it with.
It's just like a magic penny.....
(I hope that someone other than my sisters know that reference).
Anyway, I am done with being deeply sentimental now. Join me next time for further ramblings.
